Rui Simas
A proposta era tentadora. A ideia era execrável. Nada fazia sentido. Era estúpido. Era ridículo.
Aceitei sem pestanejar.
Tudo começou numa manhã sem sol. O sol brilhava e a chuva só caía sobre as pessoas cinzentas. Os telhados olhavam os pavimentos e o planeta transladava-se como habitualmente. A minha cabeça, estacionada numa almofada imaculada pela luz branca de uma candeia apagada pela escuridão, planeava levantar-se gradualmente consoante o ponteiro mais imponente do relógio digital. O sobressalto chegou por volta das dez para a mais coisa menos coisa. A porta da rua batia violentamente na mão de alguém e era por demais evidente que o botão da campainha estava sob pressão. Sobressaltados, os meus pés libertaram-se rapidamente dos lençóis e apressaram-se escadas abaixo, enquanto a minha cabeça permanecia no travesseiro fofo e doce como um artigo de pastelaria fofo e doce. Ao chegarem ao sopé do último reduto daquele estabelecimento residencial, os meus pés reclamaram a presença do resto do meu corpo, com o inominável intuito de destrancar a chave da fechadura e a corrente superlativa do seu respectivo enfiamento.
Num esforço épico, aquela a quem muitos chamam porta abriu-se e revelou um ser razoavelmente vertical, tal como eu. Para meu espanto, o ser permaneceu vertical até que uma das suas membranas se deslocou na horizontal em direcção à minha face e, por sua vez, deslocou o meu maxilar através de um gesto internacionalmente conhecido como marretada nos queixos com toda a força! O seu nome era feminino. Para quem não acredita em dejà vu, posso dizer que reconhecia aquelas formas de um passado recente. Para quem acredita em dejà vu, posso dizer que aquela figura não me era estranha. Vagamente, aquilo a que alguns aborígenes bielorrussos chamam memória trouxe-me recordações de uma cena de copos deambulantes, brilhos ofegantes e zonas erógenas litigiosas. Agora sim, tudo parecia fazer sentido, apesar de nada bater certo. Numa análise semi-analítica, a conclusão que mais parecia conclusiva era que este ser de uma beleza extremamente interdimensional, no sentido da estética de um Pablo Picasso com Parkinson ou de um Van Gogh depois de três garrafas de Moët et Chandon, era uma prestadora de serviços luxuosos que eu teria requisitado antecipadamente de uma forma a que muitas pessoas com alguma experiência no mundo da vela e desportos aquáticos poderão chamar propositada, e que me tinha esquecido de recordar que teria de recompensar financeiramente numa distância temporal de diversas dezenas de horas, talvez centenas, talvez dias.
Num esforço quase olímpico, tentei simultaneamente parar a hemorragia que emergia da minha preponderância nasal e dirigir-me para a carteira que estava em cima da mesa. Abri a mesa que estava por baixo da carteira e retirei um toro de talha dourada para entregar à respectiva indivídua. Ela, sem modos, pediu-me indelicadamente para ir concretizar uma relação amorosa com uma das mais reconhecidas cadeias internacionais de venda de produtos para casa e jardim, advertência que recusei por preferir, sem qualquer dúvida, aquela onde se montam os produtos em casa.
Ela, visivelmente insensível à incomensurável harmonia natural que emanava dos meus membros inferiores, replicou desdenhosamente, enquanto apontava com o pai de todos para uma nódoa que, ainda que ténue, existia no tecto do meu domicílio: “Prefacia isto!”
E eu prefaciei.
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